A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of  them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" 

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Simple questions...

1.How does a man take a bubble bath ?
He eats beans for dinner.

2.How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing

3.What is the difference between a man and ET ?
ET phoned home.

4.What's a man's idea of foreplay ?
A half hour of begging.

5.What is the difference between a man and a government bond?
Bonds mature.

6.What did God say after creating man?
"I can do better."

7.Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

8.What do beer bottles and men have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.

9.What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted

10.How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

11.What does a man consider as a 7 course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

12.What do you have when you have 2 balls in your hand?
His undivided attention.

13.Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.

14.Why did God create man?
Because vibrators don't mow lawns.

15.What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A. No mind.
B. No business.

16.How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

17.What is the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?
Porcupines have pricks on their outside.

18.Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

19.How is a man like a snowstorm?
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it Will last.

20.Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

21.Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are all pigs.

22.Why do men float?
Because they are scum.

23.Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So they can think with an open mind.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. 

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" 

Watson ponders for a minute. 

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

 Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Because I'm a guy

I MUST hold the television remote control in my hand while we watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,  I'll miss a whole show just looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car (or even better, truck) I will fiddle with a coat hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after  hypothermia has set in. And when the car is not running well, I  will pop the hood open and stare at the engine as if I really know what it is I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say, "I used to work on these things, but nowadays with all these computer things, I wouldn't know where to start." The  other will nod, and then we will drink beer.Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lay in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic 
groceries at the store: milk, eggs, and bread. I cannot be 
expected to find exotic gourmet items like "Cumin" or "Tofu" or 
"Raisins." For all I know, these are the same things. And never, 
under any circumstances, expect me to pick up any item in which 
the word "feminine" is associated with directly. Because I'm a
 guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist
upon taking it apart, despite past evidence that this will cost me 
twice as much when the repairman gets here and has to put it all 
back together again.
 
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking 
about. The answer is always sex or sports. Though I feel 
compelled to make up something else when you do ask--so don't.

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. 
If you are crying at the end of it, chances are I didn't like it.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have 
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think 
about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for 
Mother's Day is okay with me, and no, I don't need to see it. Or 
sign the card. By the way, did you remember to pick up 
something for my mother, too?

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is looks great. I 
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago looked great, 
too. Either pair of shoes looks great. Either with or without the 
belt looks great. Your hair looks great. You look great. Can we 
just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share 
equally in the housework. You handle the cooking, the cleaning, 
the laundry, the shopping, the dishes, and the kids. I'll do the 
rest.

A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some
weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it..
His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."
A few more minutes pass, and the  grandfather takes a beer our of his
cooler and opens it.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."
Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and
he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.
The grandfather looks at him and says, "Say, they look good. Can I
have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says the boy,
"These are my cookies!"

The Wisdom Of Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let tha
fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

You've got a brain of a four-year old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

Time wounds all heels.

A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Ice Water? Get some onions - that'll make your eyes water!

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Why should I care about prosperity? What's prosperity ever done for me?

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for hunters.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I convulsed
with laughter. Someday I intend reading it

Why I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.